It's Just Another New Year's Eve by Alysia

Happy New Year!

Ah, the end of the year.  The moment for looking back and remembering the past - the never ending TV specials of  “Top 100 Songs of The Year” or “Top 10 most fascinating people of 2010”.  It's the time when we’re supposed to think about all that we’ve accomplished in the year and make our New Year’s resolutions to improve our future. 

I stink at making those resolutions.  Either I break them in the first week (willpower is NOT a part of my vocabulary) or I make them so weak that become meaningless. Last year I resolved “to remember to take the laundry out of the washing machine before it starts to smell”.  It was a pathetic goal…and I broke it within three days of the new year.

I decided instead to look back at 2010 and see how it this year has changed me.  It has not been an easy one for us.  It was the first full year since my son Howie’s autism diagnosis.  It’s was the first year of him being in a specialized program at school and the first full year of him receiving behavior therapy and weekly OT for his sensory processing disorder.  It was the year we realized that Lewis, our youngest, had a speech delay. 

But it was also the year that I found my voice.  The year that I took on the role of being my kids’ best advocate.  The year that showed me the power of community, both in person and online.  The year I started writing.

So I thought I’d break it down into categories of how things have changed in my life this year:

I became a better mom:  For the first time in eight years as a mother, I think I finally understand my kids - all of them.  Each one of my boys has a very distinct personality.  Understanding my middle son’s autism and sensory processing disorder diagnoses has helped me relate better to each of them.  I’m more patient with all of my boys, and now that I have a better understanding of the issues that come with autism and SPD, I am better equipped to handle the difficult times that come our way.  I am not a perfect mom, nor a great mom.  But I am a good mom and getting better at it every day.

Love Means... by Caitlin

How many times have you apologized for your child’s “behaviour”? Do you find yourself apologizing so routinely, that you question whether you are now apologizing not for your child's behaviours, but for their differences? Apologizing ultimately, for who they are?

In the past, I have apologized to clerks for Simon’s voice being too loud in the grocery store. I have apologized to Simon’s teachers, when he speaks his mind in a literal way that they find offensive. I have apologized for Simon plowing into the walls in his Sunday school classes. I have apologized for Simon not looking at people who are speaking to him, because they think he’s ignoring them. I have apologized to parents on the playground when Simon pushed their kids over.

I had even taken to apologizing to third parties – “Sorry we can’t make it, but it will be too over-stimulating for Simon”.

As my view of Simon’s diagnoses (SPD, Aspergers) have evolved – from “must find a cure” to “must learn to cope” to “must celebrate who he is” – so too has my tendency to apologize for him. Because at some point I decided – this is who he is. What message am I sending to him, when all he hears is his own mother perpetually apologizing for who he is.

Any parent who finds themselves apologizing to this degree for a child, will find that it slowly, insidiously undermines your spirit. And left unchecked, it will surely undermine your child’s as well.

In practice, it isn’t as easy as you might think to get through the day without apologizing for your child’s differences. It becomes habitual, second-nature, a way to show the world that you’re not ignoring your child’s odd behaviours, that you’re not one of “those” parents who really doesn’t bother much with parenting at all. But there are much more meaningful ways to show the world you are a competent parent. Without compromising your child’s self-esteem, or your own. With a little forethought and commitment, you too can quit your addiction to The Apology.

Let’s take the examples I offered:

Give Yourself Props!

Nick and Matt watching the Christmas
boats in Lake Washington.

Christmas was great.  But it is over.

Which always has me recounting the year, and I know that is what New Year's is for, but it is that week between Christmas and New Year's that gets my brain (and mommy guilt) working on overdrive.

It is like Christmas is the party that the year culminates in, and New Year's is the last hoo-rah before it is really over.  By New Year's, I will have had 6 straight days of mentally recapping my year.  This year, I plan to only focus on the positives. 

Usually, I would say, "This year has been OK, but what really matters is that we are moving forward with XYZ therapy, strategy, new medication, and Plan."  This year, I don't want to spend those 6 days focusing on what I haven't finished, didn't do well or could do better. 

That's right.  NO New Year's Resolution for me.  Nope.  Not gonna do it.

Why?

Because parenting kids like mine - living the life we are all living - never allows us to step back and say, "You know what?  I did a damn good job in 2010."

Yes, there are new therapies on the horizon for my boys (iLS and CBT) and you all know that I am making plans for just about everything next year - from Kindergarten in the fall for Matt to whether or not Nick will make it into Highly Capable Program (you know that like 33% of gifted kids have sensory issues?) and the constant dance that is managing Gabriel's complicated regimen of meds, which for the third year in a row, I am thinking this will be the year we get it right....  So, yes, I am thinking of all the things I have to do....

Yet, I am forcing myself to do an all positive 6-Day-Mental-Recap this week.  And I am encouraging all of you to do the same.

Give yourself props!  What have you done well?  What did you do for your kids?  For yourself?  Are you managing a new diagnosis?  Dealing with meds and/or therapy?  Did you join a support group?  Or maybe you just SURVIVED?

You have the rest of the year - no less than 359 days - to beat yourself up about what more you could be doing for your kiddo, but not this week.  This week is all about what you did well.

Not sure you can do it?  Let me help...
I'll start: 

"2010 was a great year!"  My family went on a super-awesome-and-relaxing vacation to Mexico and a hysterical trip to Canada, I had the privilege of launching my book, and adding insanely talented contributors to my blog.  I also changed Gabe's school allowing him to make friends which is a true accomplishment!  I had a ridiculously great time at the SPD Symposium where I spent the first night away from my family in YEARS, hosted a rockin' Parent Dinner (complete with kick-ass giveaways) with Carrie Fannin, and we managed to launch the first ever SPD Awareness Calendar.  I finally got Matt's Asperger's diagnosis and Nick's attended his first NFL football game.  Oh, and I hosted an insanely fun and successful 30 SPD Stories in 30 Days! 

That my friends is what I call an AWESOME year. 

Now it is your turn:  Leave me a comment and tell me what GREAT thing(s) you did in 2010 - big or small, it doesn't matter - so long as you take this time to give yourself the credit you deserve!