One More Step Forward

Last week I got so upset at a friend of mine that I was forced to get up in a packed restaurant and walk out as to prevent from having a full blow public meltdown:  The kind of meltdown that is NOT a tantrum, but a GIANT emotional response to my feelings of being hurt, judged, misunderstood and totally overwhelmed at the injustice of it all. 

I’ve lost it before.  Primarily in doctors’ offices when advocating for my kid(s) was being completely missed and my impulse to protect and defend my boys was pushed to the limit.  Then, I am happy to speak my mind.  Which is usually met with less than the best of results.  :-/

This time the boys weren’t with me.  This time it was just one adult, who for all practical purposes meant well (don’t they always?) and was attempting to make a point – just as I was doing.

The difference is that my boys and I do not live in the philosophical world that non-special needs parents often do.  We do not have the luxury of philosophical debate.  We do not live in the land of ‘ideal’ and the place of judgment so many parents who simply have not been down this road do.  I live my life. Not someone else’s.  Not even the one I thought I would have.  But the one I actually do have.

Now you’re wondering what the issue was, right?

What started out as a friendly discussion about whether or not to medicate children turned into war when I was challenged with the blind statement that children don’t need medication, including my son – who has Pediatric Bipolar Disorder I.  The justification for the blanket statement relied on my friend’s personal experience with a family member’s children (nieces/nephews).  The argument was that we as a society over-diagnose and over-medicate our kids, and yet that isn’t an issue other countries, but rather something associated with the US. 

I wasn’t going to argue that.  Whether or not we over-diagnose, over-medicate, or have lazy parents who want a ‘pill’ to solve their children’s problems here in the US (or abroad) is not something I’m interested in debating.  Mostly because quite simply it has no impact on whether or not *my* child needs medication.

Parent Teacher Meeting Tips

A friend of mine with a child that is undiagnosed - but clearly has OCD/ADD tendencies - is attending his first parent teacher meeting today.  His son is in the 9th grade, and let's just say his grades were well below average last semester.  Hence, the meeting was called. My friend was looking for a bit of a 'road map' on how to proceed.  So, I wrote out my advice.

Since I am guessing he isn't the only one out of all of us to attend a 'your child's grades suck' meeting, I thought I would publish it here to see if any of you are interested! :)

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No need to stress about the school meeting - even if you hear tons of stuff you don't want to hear, it will allow you to help your child succeed - and THAT will make the meeting a success no matter what.

Try to ...

• TAKE NOTES - really good comprehensive notes 
• Note all of the people present - their names and position - write them down so you remember!!
• Having the school counselor, psychologist or resource room teacher there would be a good thing (not necessary to ask for them, but indicative of their view of the situation if they show up)
• Ask lots of questions - Gather information - What do you think the problem is?  What is bringing down his grade the most?  Do you think he understands the curriculum?  Is he testing well? Are there outstanding assignments? Is he engaged in classroom discussion? What are my child's strengths in your class?  What are his weaknesses?  
• Treat the teachers like experts on your child (they are)
• Ask the teacher(s) for solution(s) - What does my child need to do to get a better grade in your class?  
• Refrain from offering solutions yourself - instead ask things like - How can I help my succeed in your class? What things outside of the classroom might he benefit from?  Study club?  Peer tutor?
• Set up a time to revisit this issue in a month in person and ask to be kept informed via email
• Be sure to leave the meeting with a 'team' feeling - they should see you as a resource, not a parent who expects his child to overachieve.

 

Try to avoid ...

• Blaming the teacher (My child says you just don't like athletes - or - It seems that you aren't being fair to my child)
• Being defensive - if the teacher says your child is acting over social in class, or not paying attention, or whatever, just take the information and attempt NOT to get defensive.  

Misconceptions ....

Parents often go into these kinds of meetings thinking the meeting is the 'solution' or the 'answer' and that somehow magically when they leave, all will be good.  That NEVER happens.  

The meeting isn't the solution, but hopefully you will leave it with more information than you currently have which will allow you, and your child to come up with a plan to succeed, which is the solution.  If your child isn't on-board with the plan, it won't work, so you need to set a time to talk about what the teachers said, get your child's take on it, and decide how you two as a team are going to address the issues.  

Clearly state expectations ...

I encourage you to tell your child at that time what your expectations are.  Set the expectation for good grades, help him achieve it (this is the parenting part) and offer an incentive if it is achieved to show how his hard work (school is his job) pays off.  Example would be, "I expect your grades to be a 3.0 or better - that is a B average. You need to earn a 3.0 this semester in order to play football next fall, as grades come first and I need to know you can balance your class schedule with sports.  Also, you must continue to maintain it for the next two semesters in order for me to pay for you to take Driver's Training when you turn 16 ($800).  I want to help you accomplish this, so the best way for that to happen is for you to be honest with me when you have a problem in a class.  Just let me know how I can help you and I will."  

Obviously this is just my way of doing things.  

I hope I've helped....

Hartley 

"We're Getting a Divorce"

I sat next to my husband at the kitchen table, looking at all three of my boys eating their lunch, wrapped in multicolored towels, still wet from their swimming lessons, and I began to choke up before a single word left my mouth.

“Boys,” I began, not sure if I would remember all I planned to say, even though I had my notes and a book tightly in my grasp.  When I had their attention, I just said it, plain and simple, “Dad and I are getting divorced.”

My husband and I had only been separated about two weeks at the time.  The word ‘divorce’ was almost as foreign to me as it was to my children.  Having to tell any child about divorce is heart-wrenching, incredibly difficult and probably one of the only times in your life where each word you say truly matters.  But, throw in special needs children, who see the world as black and white, without the grey area that divorce falls into, and who are often confused by language, relying heavily on semantics, and each word carries exponentially more weight.

I scoured the internet for guidance on talking to your children about divorce in the days that led up to that moment.  There was a lot of information out there, but I couldn’t find anything geared specifically towards special needs kids.  As far as I can tell it is a subject that has not been covered in depth in any searchable location.  So, without a guide to follow, I started filtering information from each article I read, putting together the pieces I would need to help my sons.  As most special needs moms can relate, this is something I have practice doing.

Since my kids each process information differently from each other, and differently from most typically developing children, I needed to not only decide what to say, but how it would be said.   From experience, I already knew that I would be best served to give them limited information that was practical and timely, and then be prepared to give them more when they asked for it.  The divorce conversation is huge, so I knew they would be processing bits and pieces at a time, and their questions would come later.  Because of their varying processing abilities, it meant the conversation would be need to be short, to the point, and limited in its scope and direction.

Almost immediately the decision was made to not use the word ‘separated’ when talking to them.  It wasn’t a term they were familiar with, and since we knew we would not be getting back together, it seemed unnecessary to add another transition:  Married to divorced was black and white compared to attempting to explain married to separated to divorced.  It also offered a small amount of protection from daydreaming about us getting back together, which I wanted to head off at the pass if possible.   The challenge here is that my boys wouldn’t really know what the word ‘divorce’ means.  Like all new words, it would require a definition and practical application in their world for them to understand it fully.  The application of the word would come over time, but the definition needed to be the conversation opener.  It was what came after that I needed to figure out.