Nanny Jo and the Underwear Solution by Caitlin

Guest post by Caitlin Wray of Welcome to Normal

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If you’ve ever watched The Nanny, with Jo Frost - and even if you haven’t – you’re surely familiar with the recommended practice of putting your child back to bed in silence over and over and over (and over and over and over) until they give up and sob themselves to sleep.

I have watched Nanny Jo do this consistently on her show (which I watch occasionally to make me feel better about the chaos in my house, since mine almost never comes close to the chaos she encounters in her travels). Apparently this approach works every time. It’s foolproof.

But is it SPD-proof?

My little SPD Aspie, Simon, was still waking up over a dozen times each night when he was two or three years old. “Tired” doesn’t really do justice to the extent of my exhaustion during those years, before we had a diagnosis that made so many of Simon’s challenges more clear.

Even without a diagnosis, I didn’t have the heart to let Simon sob himself to sleep as a toddler. He co-slept, we slept beside his bed, we held his hand, rubbed his back, got him water, sang lullabyes. None of which really addressed the silent sensory problems he was, unbeknownst to us, stuggling with each and every night. I remember he used to squeeze my pinky finger obsessively, to help him drift off to sleep. It baffled me, but now of course, I understand.

The issue with Nanny Jo’s techniques (which are of course not just hers, but are widespread) is that I’m not sure it’s wise to leave ALL parents universally with the assumption that their child’s sleeping problems are merely excess neediness, and that they should be quashed with a firm and inflexible routine. A routine that includes ignoring what they are saying to you, in favour of a silent and swift return to their bed.

Now don’t get me wrong – I’m sure this works for lots of kids. I’m sure many kids are just desperately trying to avoid bedtime with their habitual and incessant requests for more and more accommodations at bedtime.

But that’s not the underlying motivation for all kids.

And that’s why I wish Nanny Jo would consider Simon and The Underwear Solution. I started thinking about Nanny Jo one night recently, when Simon (who’s been a pretty good sleeper since about age 5) came downstairs 6 times after being put to bed. He complained he was too hot, itchy, “zappy”, uncomfortable. He was getting distressed in that urgent sensory way.

My initial response was a heavy sigh (as I bid farewell to my dream of sitting down for the first time all day, with a remote control and a TV show that didn’t involve animation). I coaxed Simon back up to bed over and over, with lots of supportive, kind words, a few extra snuggles and back rubs.

But nothing was working. Every time I thought he’d gone to sleep, he would thump down the stairs again to complain of his discomfort. I felt myself growing more and more impatient. Like an old thermometer with the mercury rising steadily inside me, I was losing my cool.

But I summoned all of my inner calming resources, and I resisted the urge to lay down my usual “I’ll have to close the door” threat, because I could tell something really was bugging him. Instead, I just tried to be kind, understanding, and offered a few possible solutions. None of which worked, but the very fact that I was ‘on his side’ seemed to keep Simon calmer.

On the 9^th time down, Simon proclaimed with pride “I’ve figured it out! I know why I am too hot. I can’t have PJ shorts overtop of my underwear, it’s just too hot”. And so off came the undies. And that was the end of Simon’s
pilgrimages up and down the stairs that night, as he promptly drifted off to sleep, having figured out the solution to his own problem.

It was after that, when I began to imagine how that night would have looked if I’d been enforcing Nanny Jo’s “return to your bed at once in silence” approach. Obviously, it would have been a much different story to be telling you right now. A story that culminated in a meltdown. A story in which no one really learned anything about anyone, least of all themselves.

Listening to our kids’ fears and discomforts at bedtime is not just important when they are physically uncomfortable, but when they are emotionally unsettled as well. This week, Simon started back at all his extra-curriculars after the Christmas break. It’s an adjustment for him, and he’s anxious about it. For him, bedtime is when his anxieties start to pile up as he reviews the past day, and anticipates the one to come. Sometimes, this review/anticipation process can become really overwhelming for him, and he needs help to settle.

Sometimes all he needs is some calming sensory work while he lies in bed. But other times, Simon – like all children – really needs that magical kind of reassurance that only the most special treatment from our Mama’s can provide. I think most of us have a spidey sense about those times in our child’s life when we need to toss out the rule book, and go with our gut – and more importantly, our heart.

A few nights ago, Simon was becomming really distressed as he tried desperately to go to sleep. He said it was like a “big bouncy ball of ideas and worries bouncing around inside my head”. The bouncy ball of worries and ideas was relentless, and I could see Simon vibrating with stress, and beginning to spiral with anxiety.

It was time to bring out the big guns. The tender loving care that you don’t really find in most parenting books. So I moved Simon into my big king sized bed, with the big fluffy pillows, and I got him his favourite book (the Lego Star Wars Visual Dictionary). I told him I’d be back to check on him in 5 minutes. I could already see the tension leaving his body, and relaxation moving in.

Five minutes later I came up with a peanut butter sandwich cut out with a dinosaur shape cutter. His smile lit up the room. Relaxation was beginning to win the war.

Five minutes after that, I brought him a little hot chocolate. And that clinched the deal. Anxiety was banished, fears and worries dissolved into that mug of warm, chocolatey goodness; and sleeplessness was conquered by something as simple as a mother’s love.

Five minutes later, I peeked through the door to see Simon snuggled up tight, fast asleep. His dad carried him back to his bed, and all was right with the world.

Now, Nanny Jo would likely say I reinforced his negative feelings about bedtime and coddled him into a new bad habit. But I would counter that with this: I did nothing more for Simon, than I would do for myself on a night when I was having a lot of trouble settling into sleep. A good book, a healthy snack, a cup of something warm. The knowledge that you are loved. These things are priceless, and should not be discarded so easily in the name of an efficient bedtime.

The next night, Simon had a much easier time going to bed. And I think what alleviated most of his stress, was simply knowing he could count on me to bend the rules, and defy Nanny Jo, when the rules just weren’t meeting his needs. Because in the end, Nanny Jo is just a nanny.

But I'm the Mom.