Please Don't Put Candles On My Pumpkin Pie

March 25, 2007 was one of the most surprising and exciting days of my life.  The amazing news was first reported to my BFF (who had provided the necessary test) with a phone call that went - verbatim - like this:

Me: Dude, there's two lines.
Her: Holy shit, dude.

I remembered I should tell my husband and there was general happiness all around. And then... we did a little math and cringed.

It was going to be a holiday baby.

Not that I cared for my sake - after seven years of failure and infertility, you take what you can get.  But I was sorry for my child's sake.

See, my birthday falls between Christmas and New Year's.  Two of my cousins' fall a few days before Christmas.  My uncle's: Christmas Day.  I know a thing or two about how much it completely and totally stinks to be a holiday baby.

Seriously, if I never hear the words "Merry Birthday" again it will be too soon.

Other kids got actual birthday parties and actual birthday cakes and actual birthday gifts in actual birthday paper.  If - and that's a big IF- I got separate Christmas and birthday gifts, they were always. Always. AL. WAYS. wrapped in Christmas paper.

And I'm not saying I was a greedy kid who wanted more presents.  We didn't have a lot of money and I was always grateful for what I had.  But it's hard to grow up with any self esteem when the overwhelming message from every adult in your life that the most important day in your young life is, for them, an afterthought.

Thankful for You

It is a tradition in our family to say what you are thankful for during Thanksgiving Dinner.  We go one by one around the table, each of us with our own special memories from the year before, and recount the blessings we have each received.  I rehearse with the boys, as this is probably the only reason they even sit at the table (and will get up the moment it is over), and they come up with amazing lists of things they are thankful for; from football to having their grandparents visit, I am always astounded by their insightful words.

I think about what I am thankful for carefully each year, so I am prepared for the moment my turn comes.  So much so, that often it chokes me up during dinner.  And yet, every year, I still find myself attempting to fight off the incoming tears, to no avail.

This year, like so many others, I have much to be thankful for; my book release and awards, the success of Gabriel's new school, all three kids having great teachers, Matthew's success in preschool, Nick's recongition through receiving Seahawks tickets and a writing award, being able to see good doctors, and great therapists, my husband's job and accomplishments in grad school, the continued support and love of my parents, the amazing connections I made at the SPD Symposium just this month and of course first and foremost having a healthy and happy life.

But this year, I am truly feeling overly-blessed to say that I have each of you joining me along this journey.  For all of you who follow my blog, who visit regularly, or just occasionally, who are new, or are old timers, for those who comment and for those who lurk, I am equally proud to say that you are here with me.  None of us want to be on this journey alone, me included, and each time I read a new comment, or see a new follower, I am grateful to know that not only am I not alone on this journey, I am in GREAT company.

So, this year when I sit at the Thanksgiving table, I am going to start with how thankful I am to have all of you.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your whole family -- may you all have MUCH to be thankful for!

Warmly,
Hartley

Putting the Fun in Dysfunctional by Patty Porch

Last month, on the way home from my nephew’s baptism party, my husband said, in a shocked tone, “That was the best family party we have ever been to. The kids were amazing and had so much fun! I wasn’t even stressed out or worried about the kids getting over stimulated. What just happened?”

Throughout the rest of our 3-hour car drive home, we discussed what had made this particular party so much fun. We also compared it to other parties that were not nearly so pleasant. Parties that ended in tears and meltdowns, parties that we had to leave because one of our kids was just too over stimulated to handle. Parties that I swore would be the last I attended because things had gone so poorly for Danny and/or Charlotte.

We realized this particular party in September had been so successful because we have some family members who are 100% committed to making family gatherings pleasant for my two SPD kids.

Though my family has always been supportive, they haven’t always known how to help. So what changed? As I think back over the last few years, I can come up with a lot of little things that helped open up the communication lines between my family members and me which helped my family—who love my kids unconditionally—gain a better understanding of our sensory issues.

So, I have a few pieces of advice, things I have learned the hard way, things you may find helpful during these challenging holiday times.

The 813 Mile Car Trip by Alysia

It’s that time of year again.  Thanksgiving.  It’s a tradition in my family that we all go to my mother’s house in Vermont for the holiday.  In the past 30 years, there have only been three times when she didn’t host the big turkey dinner.  Usually, there’s about 30-35 people there – my immediate family, aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, friends of second cousins…you have a connection to our family and you’re welcome at the house. 

Making 250 mile car trip is always somewhat of an adventure for us.  It’s hard for any kid to sit that long, but a four year old with sensory issues can make the car ride incredibly hard.  One year, he asked for a “hug” for an hour straight.  Factor in food breaks, toilet breaks, coffee breaks and sensory breaks and a four hour ride can sometimes turn into six.   Oh yeah, and diaper changing breaks for the two year old too.

Leaving the comforts of our house is somewhat of a challenge.  Besides my son’s sensory issues, he has a food intolerance to all products with corn in them (corn syrup, corn starch, dextrose, etc.) so we travel with our own food.  Additionally, my husband is a vegan so we need to make sure we have things that he can eat as well.  All this makes eating anywhere but home a little dicey. 

However, we’ve made the trip enough now that I know what to do ahead of time to get us ready, and what to pack to make the journey successful.  I thought I’d share our packing list with you, in case you are also getting ready for a big holiday adventure.  I’ve based our list on the car game “I’m packing my grandmother’s trunk and I’m bringing…” something based on each letter of the alphabet. 

Advice for Special Grandparents

Helen, her husband Stuart, and all of their grandkids!

With the holiday season upon us, I can feel the tension and anxiety building all around me.  What is everyone worried about?  They are dreading visting family. 

One of the biggest complaints from those I speak with, is that their extended family doesn't understand the needs of their child.  From sensory issues, to need for routine, predictability, table manners, food choices, and a thousand other things, the holiday season is hard on our kids.  And what do us parents want more than anything?  Understanding and Support. 

Here is my amazing mom's advice for all of the grandparents (or aunts, uncles, great-grandparents...) out there who struggle to understand what our special kids (and WE as adult children) need from them:

There but for the Grace of Gabe
By Helen Nickelson, proud Grandma of Gabriel, Nicholas and Matthew.

I often wonder what kind of a grandparent I would be if Gabriel wasn’t in my life. Would I be the “perfect” grandparent? Meaning the one who had a preconceived idea of how everything would be. “Perfect” vacations, birthdays, holidays…you know, the ones where the kids, parents, grandparents did whatever they wished, all of the time happy, able to enjoy the adventure of changes in schedules, habits, foods, all the while dressed perfectly, with perfect manners and smiling faces? 

Luckily (and I mean that) I’ll never know. Because of Gabriel’s challenges – and now Mathew’s, we are a family affected by SPD, autism and a few other diagnoses. But, my life with my child and her children IS “perfect”; at least perfect by my new definition.

Perfect now means we are together whenever and wherever we can be, doing nothing, or anything that allows us all to be comfortable, calm and happy. That doesn’t always look like what I had imagined. Instead, it may mean not visiting some places or participating in some activities because it would be too chaotic. It may mean on holidays some of the children may be at the table barefoot, wearing sweats, or standing instead of sitting, or walking away if needed. It may also mean one or more children may forgo the turkey in favor of a PB sandwich (on white bread with no crust, of course). It may mean no candles, because of fear of fire or any number of other “oddities”, but it will always mean spending time & sharing memories with the most wonderful children in the world….MY “perfect” grandchildren.

Thanksgiving Table Manners

I hate eating with my kids. Really, I do. Our meal times usually push me to the edge of sanity. And with Thanksgiving just weeks away, I am reminded that I will be eating with my kids in a formal setting with other people.

Perhaps the turkey is less nervous than I am. Why? It isn’t for the reasons you may think.

I have long ago gotten past the worries about what food my kids will eat, or whether they can stay seated at the table, or their inability to be hungry at meal time, preferring to ‘graze’ all day. But, what I haven’t gotten over is their utter lack of table manners.

Yes, table manners.

I hear you – you think I shouldn’t worry about table manners that I perhaps have bigger fish to fry. But let me tell you, bad table manners is a pet peeve of mine that I just can’t let go. Somewhere in my mind I have attributed the presence of good table manners with a gold star on my ‘Mommy Chart’. I try to let it go, really, but the holidays bring it back in full force. Like my own personal race against time to get my kids to ‘brush up’ before anyone else is here to witness the horror.

My oldest son Gabriel is the worst. He actually has set the bar so low that it is hard for me to concentrate on how bad the table manners of my other two are. Gabriel knows our dinner rules; he can recite what the table manners are, in nauseating detail, answer a table manners quiz, and remind his brothers (and me) to mind our table manners should we falter, but, he cannot for the life of him follow them.

And it drives me to the point of madness.