Advice for Special Grandparents

Helen, her husband Stuart, and all of their grandkids!

With the holiday season upon us, I can feel the tension and anxiety building all around me.  What is everyone worried about?  They are dreading visting family. 

One of the biggest complaints from those I speak with, is that their extended family doesn't understand the needs of their child.  From sensory issues, to need for routine, predictability, table manners, food choices, and a thousand other things, the holiday season is hard on our kids.  And what do us parents want more than anything?  Understanding and Support. 

Here is my amazing mom's advice for all of the grandparents (or aunts, uncles, great-grandparents...) out there who struggle to understand what our special kids (and WE as adult children) need from them:

There but for the Grace of Gabe
By Helen Nickelson, proud Grandma of Gabriel, Nicholas and Matthew.

I often wonder what kind of a grandparent I would be if Gabriel wasn’t in my life. Would I be the “perfect” grandparent? Meaning the one who had a preconceived idea of how everything would be. “Perfect” vacations, birthdays, holidays…you know, the ones where the kids, parents, grandparents did whatever they wished, all of the time happy, able to enjoy the adventure of changes in schedules, habits, foods, all the while dressed perfectly, with perfect manners and smiling faces? 

Luckily (and I mean that) I’ll never know. Because of Gabriel’s challenges – and now Mathew’s, we are a family affected by SPD, autism and a few other diagnoses. But, my life with my child and her children IS “perfect”; at least perfect by my new definition.

Perfect now means we are together whenever and wherever we can be, doing nothing, or anything that allows us all to be comfortable, calm and happy. That doesn’t always look like what I had imagined. Instead, it may mean not visiting some places or participating in some activities because it would be too chaotic. It may mean on holidays some of the children may be at the table barefoot, wearing sweats, or standing instead of sitting, or walking away if needed. It may also mean one or more children may forgo the turkey in favor of a PB sandwich (on white bread with no crust, of course). It may mean no candles, because of fear of fire or any number of other “oddities”, but it will always mean spending time & sharing memories with the most wonderful children in the world….MY “perfect” grandchildren.

Tribute to My Grandmother

In honor of Mother's Day, I am going to post this tribute I wrote many years ago about my grandmother, my mother's mother, a woman who died when my mother was 11, but who's spirit lives on inside her and me -- and if I am really lucky, my children too.

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Ellinwood Kansas was the heart of the heartland. You could stand on my grandmother’s porch and see miles of wheat fields rolling over gently sloping hills. Ellinwood is as small as it gets; no one locks their doors, they leave their keys in their cars and you will see children playing outside long after dark. When I visited Ellinwood in the summers of my childhood, I was in awe of their Harvest Festival and amazed by the number of people who stopped me in the street to ask me if I was a “Herter”. Generations of my family grew up in that small town, and still live there today, but it was the one woman from Ellinwood that I never met who's memory inspires my advocacy even today.